Category: Uncategorized

The Girl Who Dates Her Own Body 

I love my body. I didn’t always, but this pasty white, jiggly mass of flesh and bones that is the vessel of my consciousness, we’re cool now. 


It’s a good thing too, because this bod and I, are kind of stuck with each other. We may as well get along… After all, life is a lot easier when you’re in a mutually beneficial relationship, especially when it’s the one you share with yourself!



I used to avoid taking my body out to certain places. I didn’t want to be seen in public with it. I was ashamed. This hurt my body very much. It also hurt me. I began to resent it. I wished it looked better. I wished I had a different one. 


I didn’t like eating in out because I would worry that my body might not fit into the booths. I worried that people would stare at us as we ate. I rarely went to places like the pool, or the beach. I couldn’t bear the thought of people seeing my body in a bathing suit. 


I wanted to love it. I wanted to be able to look at my body and like what I saw, the same way everyone on TV and in magazines seemed to be able to. I just didn’t hadn’t yet realized that the answer wasn’t that I needed to change my body, but rather, I needed to change the way I saw it.  

I started looking for beauty in the parts of my body I had convinced myself weren’t beautiful. I began looking, and I mean, really looking at it in the mirror and in photographs, and changing the language I used to describe it. I started feeding it the foods it liked without worrying about their calorie count. I stopped treating my body like it deserved to be constantly punished for looking different than the way the movie stars and magazines told me it should. 

Now I take my body out on dates. We go to restaurants, movies, and out for ice cream in public together. We don’t care who sees us. We’re in love. 



We even go to the beach together… In a bikini… After hiding my body for all this time, it deserves to feel the warmth of the sunlight, and the caress of the beachside breeze.  


We’re so in tune with each other, my body and I, that we’ve basically become one… I mean, one could argue that we always have been, but it sure didn’t feel that way for most of my life. 


You see, I spent most of it telling myself how good I would look if only I had a better body, how I wished I could have somebody else’s— how much I hated it. The disassociation I made between my body and self became my reality. I separated myself from it as an act of self-preservation, and it took me all these years to get up the courage to apologize to my body for how badly I had treated it, and promise to it, that I would never let myself do that again. 


So to you, I may just look like a fat girl on the beach, strutting around showing off my swim body in a floral bikini, and on the surface, you’d be right… But if you dig a little deeper, what you’ll really see, is the foundation of a newly rekindled relationship between a once very broken girl, and her body, that never was. 

A big thank you to this bikini babe for these awesome shots!!! (Except for this one, which I can thank my mum for!)


Bikini, GabiFresh for Swimsuits For All – here 

Sandals, ASOS – similar 

Cover up, Zellers – old AF (Zellers doesn’t event exists anymore, haha)

The Here, The Now, And The Leopard Print Dress 

Is it really almost August!? In just over a month, will I really be back to fighting with my kids to wake up in the morning, packing school lunches, and arguing over homework!? Ugh. Where has the time gone? Am I the only parent that dreads the start of the school year every fall? I’m sorry, (not sorry) but those “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” Staples (or, Bureau en Gros, here is Quebec) commercials are all lies, and nobody will ever be able to convince me otherwise. 

We still have another month to go though, so rather than get ahead of myself, which is hard to do with my daughter already breathing down my neck about locker accessories (She’s probably the only kid I’ve ever known who was actually excited about back to school, and did you know they sell locker chandeliers and carpets? Me neither.), I’m trying to make the most of what’s left before the leaves start to fall off the trees, spiralling downward, alongside my sanity. 

It’s all about bright colours and all things summery for me these days (except when I just feel like wearing back, because black) and this dress from IBBI is basically my whole life right now. 


I wore the magenta version of it recently on the blog, and you can imagine my surprise when its turquoise blue sister showed up on my doorstep! It’s not everyday your blogger mail is so absolutely perfect, and unexpected, to boot! 

Now, I joke (mostly) about dreading the the end of summer, but if there’s one thing that can remind me that it’s not over yet, it’s vibrantly coloured leopard print! It’s bold, flashy, and everything summer clothes should look like! The irony is, that because of its incredibly versatile fabric, oddly enough it will actually be the ideal fall dress too!


It kind of makes it hard to resent a whole season when you realize that one of your favourite dresses will be perfect for it. So what if happy summer mommy transforms into her alter ego, stressed irritable mommy? At least she’ll look fab, right!? 


I kid, I kid… But for real though, it’s always awesome when great clothes have the undisputed potential to transition effortlessly into another season, especially summer to fall. Let’s face it, for many of us, that’s already a frustrating enough passage, so not needing to rethink our wardrobes is a definite bonus! 


This gorgeous leopard print dress from IBBI, paired with cute, lace-up wedges from Penningtons, and flamboyant yellow earrings is everything I need to keep me in the present. Its ability to be the perfect fall dress too, however, is a friendly reminder that it’s okay for me to plan for the future without getting ahead of myself. 


Sometimes we just need to live in the here and now, and while it’s still summer, I will do my best to savour it instead of (as my mother would say) wishing my life away (which I have a tendency of doing each year around this time). 

I have no choice but to think ahead. I’ve got my oldest son commencing his final year of high school (holy crap) and my youngest son starting his first day of kindergarten (um, also holy crap), not to mention my two middles (that’s what I like to call them) going into grades 5 and 8. Life now requires more planning than ever, but those little things that keep us focused on the present moment are key. 


Who would have thought that a leopard print dress would have such a profound effect on me… But hey! Who am I to question the things that contribute to my mental health!? 


The important thing to take away from all of this is that we all need to recognize the little reminders that the universe sends out to us. They come in many forms, in my case, in the form of a surprise package on my doorstep. Don’t find yourself worrying so much about what’s to come (back to school, yuck), that you don’t let yourself enjoy what already is (summer, yay). We all need our own leopard print dresses every now and again… Mine just happened to be a literal one this time. See blog post about pink version of this dress here


Dress, IBBI Collection – here

 Shoes, Penningtons – similar 

Earrings, eBay – old 

(A special shoutout to my bestie, Crystal for the awesome shots!!! 🙂 

A Dress Of A Different Colour 

I recently wrote a blog post speaking of a bout with anxiety that I had in the not too distant past, and in it, I shared photos of myself wearing this same grey dress from ASOS, but in a nudish, kinda dusty rose colour, where my VBO (visible belly outline) was very prominent. It was a meaningful post, where I discussed what I had been dealing with and how it related to the dress. 


I shared my article, as well as some shots from the post on social media, and I was really surprised by how much people hated the colour of the dress on me! I mean, I’m used to the hate I receive online, so it didn’t bother me, but it just struck me as odd that, aside from a few “with the proper undergarments she’d look great” comments, (which honestly, come with the territory of showing off your belly in a world where we’ve been taught to hide it at all cost) the comments were of a much different nature than what I was expecting. 


Instead of pointing out the parts of my body they thought I should be ashamed of, or mocking me for being fat and not giving a fuck, the way they usually do, they criticized the colour of the dress. Over and over again, the same type of comment popped up…


Stuff like, “she looks beautiful, but that colour isn’t flattering on her at all!” “The dress is cute, but that colour washes her out.” 


The thing is, people always like to make their unsolicited suggestions of how they think they can improve my outfits, but there was just such a unanimity in this case. They felt really passionate about their disdain for the hue, and all I kept thinking was why? Was it that they were attempting to disguise the fact that what they really wanted to say was “that nude pink really emphasizes your fat stomach which is unacceptable in our society,” or did they genuinely hate the colour? Personally I think it was a combination of the two, but for much more profound reasons than one might assume. 


Judging by the commentary, I feel like people seemed uncomfortable with the vulnerability of how I presented myself. A neutral shade that didn’t hide my body, paired with a similar, monochromatic  makeup palette consisting of variants of my own skin colour, which to me looked velvety like pudding, but to them, it would appear, looked like everything that scares them about looking at themselves naked, ironically, embodied in an outfit.


I think this is what scares people so much about wearing nudes. Regardless of skin colour, when we dress in a scheme that blends into our own bodies, we become human clay, a homogenous mass of flesh and fabric, melded together as one with nothing to hide under— and not hiding, can for many people, be downright incomprehensible. 

Oddly enough, when I purchased the dress, I loved it so much that I actually bought it in two colours— the oh so controversial dusty rose, as well as this gorgeous grey. I thought about not sharing it in this colour— about not letting the haters win, but I came to the conclusion that doing that would be more of a victory for them than if I just wore it and called them out on the fact that their negative comments were just a reflection of their own insecurities. 

The post in the pink dress was proof to myself that I could be both emotionally vulnerable and vulnerable in my style choices, but this post is to prove that I can also be anything else I want to be, too. 



Paired with an elegant felt hat, an absolutely stunning, and unique necklace from Amadora Jewelry, a rhinestone clutch and some flashy, neon yellow flats, this grey dress is now a reminder for me as well…

No matter how much anyone criticizes what you wear, whatever their reasons may be, they’re not seeing you, your clothes, or the thought you put into how you chose to present yourself, no. All they’re seeing is an image of themselves looking back at them and challenging that voice inside their heads that’s telling them they can’t. 

View the original post in the dusty pink dress here

Dress, ASOS Curve – here 

Necklaces, Amadora Jewelry – gorgeous pieces available here 

Shoes, Aldo – here 

Clutch, Aldo – here 

Hat, Addition Elle – old 

Silly Little Reminders Of A Not So Silly Reality 

A little while ago I took a brief, unplanned blogging hiatus. I had been feeling extremely exhausted, I’d been sick, and I was also dealing with some stressful family stuff as well. I kept meaning to blog, and went to bed each night with the idea that tomorrow’s going to be the day, but no matter how much I tried to convince myself, I always just ended up putting it off because something inside of me just wouldn’t let me be productive. 

That’s all I thought it was… Just me procrastinating, but when I look back on those couple of months, the reality was that I was having a bit of an anxiety induced melt down. I was still functioning— going about the motions, putting a brave face on, but inside I was at the point of breaking down. 

I did my best to remember to keep up with those little self-care rituals that helped keep me sane. I cooked, cleaned, took care of my kids. I took bubble baths, got my nails done, but my struggle with blogging slowly began to weigh on me… I started resenting it, because I hated the feeling of having an obligation, even if it was self-imposed. 


It’s strange because, I love being a blogger. Blogging is at the top of my list of self-care activities because it makes me feel good, from getting made up and dressed in beautiful clothes, right down to the writing process, which I find calming and therapeutic… So why was I running away from it!? 


The answer: because I was in denial about what I was really running from. It was much simpler to tell myself that I was taking a nap instead of blogging, rather than taking it to avoid my own thoughts, not to mention that writing would have forced me to confront myself about how I was feeling. In that moment, my only defence mechanism was to flee my own brain altogether.  


You may be wondering what all of this has to to with this dusty pink/blush coloured dress I’m wearing… It’s such a silly little thing, yet it’s all I can think of when I look at these photos… My nails don’t match it. 


I had purchased it (as well as in another colour) from ASOS as an attempt to rekindle my blogging spirit. I remember being excited because I had gotten my nails done in the exact same pink to match. I never shot any blog pics though. Hell, I never even wore it, and my nails grew out. Still determined, I got my refill and asked for the exact same colour again! Dusty pink nails, take two, but again, I just couldn’t make myself get dressed for a shoot. Slowly, they grew out once more and I forgot about the dress. 


At some point in May, I came out of this difficult period. I had blogging obligations and had no choice but to fulfill them. Once I started back at it, the anxiety was lifted. I remembered that this wasn’t some cruel form of punishment, but rather an activity that fills me with joy!


It felt like coming home, and I couldn’t believe that for a while there, I had even debated going ghost on my followers. I had felt unable to keep the blog up, but feared the imagined humiliation of actually formally excusing myself from the community and exposing myself as a failure who just couldn’t cut the mustard.


I’m glad I didn’t, because getting up every morning, getting dressed, and maintaining the dialogue with myself that blogging requires me to uphold was what helped bring me back; and my followers, your kind words upon my return were more uplifting than you can imagine! I have once again been given the gift of being reminded of just how much support I have through blogging, and the amazing body positive community. 


So even though my manicure doesn’t match my dress, I wanted to wear it as a very personal symbol of the power we all have to give another person hope, encourage them when they feel hopeless, and raise them up when they’re feeling low, and also as a reminder that anxiety and mental illness are invisible. 


Coming from a person who, in the moment, when things get tough, is very guarded, and tends to withdraw into herself, you may think someone looks fine. They may smile, engage in conversation and list all the right reasons for why they’ve been acting a little differently— I’m just tired, I’ve been sick, I’ve been busy, etcetera etcetera… But it can be next to impossible to notice when those reasons begin to spill over into something more debilitating. 


I was fortunate that this was just a minor bout with anxiety brought on by temporary stressors, and solvable problems that pale in comparison to those of others, but not everyone is so lucky. Not everyone has an amazing support system, or are able to recognize when it’s time to seek professional help. 


So, like this dress and my mismatched mani remind me, let me remind you to be kind, because your words can have more on an impact on a person’s life than you may ever realize. Remember that someone’s struggles may seem trivial to you, but are very real to that person, so be mindful. You can never truly know how someone is feeling inside, unless they are willing and able to express it, which I can tell you honestly, isn’t an easy thing to do. 


Dress, ASOS Curve – here 

Shoes, Aldo – here  

Bag, Louis Vuitton – here 

Necklace & Earrings, Walmart – old
 

My Uniform 

Have you ever had an outfit you just feel like you could literally wear every single day and never get sick of it? 




That’s how I’ve been feeling about this look for the past few weeks. Basically, I call it my uniform now because I wear it so often. It got to the point where, the other day, I got ready to go out and didn’t wear it, and my kids were like, oh! Wow! You changed!!!



It’s bad. I mean, don’t get me wrong… It’s good, really good… But it’s getting in the way of my style evolution, and I’m pretty sure my neighbours, whom are wonderful people, are secretly judging me every time I walk out of the house wearing the same thing. 


But come on!!! How could one not want to wear this gorgeous chiffon tunic with crocheted detail and soft jersey longline vest from Addition Elle everywhere!? They’re so perfect!!! 


Of course, I change the bottoms around all the time, wearing these cute, inexpensive Walmart jeggings, distressed skinny jeans, and jorts interchangeably; but the overal look remains the same— kind of like a super chic hair stylist who definitely charges an arm and a leg for a blowout, and you probably couldn’t even afford a cut from unless you were a Kardashian. 


(Note to self: learn to cut hair so you can charge an arm and a leg for a haircut, and become the Kardashian’s hairdresser. Legally change your name to just Cynthïa, with the two dots because it looks cooler, and start your own hashtag… Something catchy… Like, #CynthïaWillCutYou or #GetCynthïaed. Maybe both.)


Where was I…? Oh yes! Can we also talk about how cute these Aldo flats are!? At this point in my life, I’ve all but ditched heels completely in lieu of comfort, and needless to say, flats have definitely become an integral part of my wardrobe lately, even more than they used to be; and they definitely look adorable with my outfit!!!  

So if you’ve ever had a favourite outfit that has reached repeat offender status, just know that you’re not alone. If you love it, wear it! Wear it every damn day if you want to! Never worry what anyone thinks, because A) once you walk out of the house past your judgy neighbours, chances are that nobody will have seen you in it yet, and B) even if they have, who cares, they’re probably jealous of how cute you look anyway!!!


Tunic, Addition Elle – here 

Longline vest, Addition Elle – here 

Jeggings, Walmart – similar

Shoes, Aldo – here 

Why I Wear White 

I used to be afraid to wear white. I loved the way it looked on others, clean and crisp, but on myself, I thought all it did was exaggerate my flaws and make me look like a refrigerator. I did everything to remain inconspicuous back then, assuming that being noticed equaled being laughed at. Needless to say,  I never really wore much white. 



I think a lot of women have had similar feelings towards white. We are taught that it makes us look bigger, and we all know that’s the worst thing a person could ever be, right? Ugh… 


That’s the problem though… From very early on, as soon as the world realizes we’re fat, we are given this set of rules to live by, which are drilled into our brains so deeply that we forget how ridiculous they are, and we end up truly believing them. 



Society is sitting there thinking they’re doing us some wonderful favour by teaching us how not to look fatter than we already are, while its really they, who are in need of a lesson, oh, perhaps on how not to be a complete A-hole? Yeah. That sounds about right.


So I wear white proudly now. I wear it as two middle fingers to the rules that have been laid down by generations of self-loathing people before me who never knew the joy of unapologetic self-love.


I wear it because, unlike society, I don’t believe that looking bigger is among the greatest of all evils. 


And most of all, I wear it because I love it. I always have, and it makes me feel beautiful! 


No fictional set of rules will ever be able to convince me otherwise. I make my own rules about my bod, how I dress it, and nobody can take that away from me!!! 


Top, Tess Holliday for Penningtons – here 

Jean capris, Penningtons – similar 

Scarf, Penningtons – here 

Shoes, Aldo – here 

Clutch, Aldo – here 

Post-it Notes

Every once in a while, I get an amazing reminder that I deserve to love myself as much as anybody else does. This time it came in the form of this stunning, sequins embellished dress from SexyPlus Clothing. 


Seeing beautiful pieces like this reminds me just how far plus size fashion has come since I was growing up and struggling to find clothes that didn’t make me look like my grandmother (no shade, granny got style— just not mine). 


It may only be a little black dress, but this Joseph Ribkoff design is in no way ordinary. The sparkle, the detail, and the curve-hugging style scream look at me!!!! 


The simple fact that options like this exist now, which are very obviously not designed to mask our bodies, but to celebrate them, is proof that the world is recognizing that us fatties are refusing to hide in the shadows any longer!


We have the right to be viewed and admired if we wish it, and most of all, to feel worthy of wearing the fabulous clothes that we love without thinking we are somehow undeserving of style because we’re overweight. 

I know we’re not quite there yet when it comes to inclusivity, but I’m more than happy to rejoice in tangible victories like this dress, because bold, attention grabbing pieces validate my belief that I, as a plus size woman, am worthy of shining, turning heads, and feeling sexy. 

Obviously, I don’t need that validation, but it sure is nice to have it. It feels good to know that all those years I spent being crushed over not being able to wear what I wanted are behind me, and that speaking up in the name of fat women everywhere hasn’t been in vain. It feels good to be heard. 


All of this is to say, be aware of those reminders, life’s little Post-it notes telling you to remember that the frustrations of your past were for a reason, and your hopes for the future are possible! 


While you’re at it, let me remind you that you are important. You are worthy, and your existence, fat, thin, or anything in between, has more meaning and influence than you may ever even know…


Dress your body the way you want to, wear the clothes that make you feel beautiful, do the things that make you feel empowered and strong!



Be grateful when your opinions are validated, but never depend on that validation to come from anyone but you. Remember that to love yourself, you must listen to yourself. Don’t dismiss your feelings because you think you don’t deserve to have them… I did that for a very long time, and one of the greatest gifts I’ve given to myself has been allowing myself the right to acknowledge how I feel as a fat person, with a voice as true as anybody else’s. 

Dress, Joseph Ribkoff from SexyPlus – here 

Shoes, Aldo – here

Clutch, vintage 

 

My Montréal + Fashion Week Score

Well, it was a success!!! Montréal + Fashion Week, which took place last weekend and brought diversity and visibility to the plus size scene in my amazing city, was an absolute honour to be a part of! 

Although it was super scary, I managed face my fears and host alongside Emily Roy, the creator of the event, (without passing out) all while draped in the showstopping designs of Pheline Couture and Amadora JewelryWe showcased a fantastic selection of brands at the fashion show on Friday evening, ranging from active wear, evening wear, to bridal, and our models, including my boo, Sabrina Servance of Big Women Big Love, the beautiful Rosie Mercado, and Montreal’s own Joby Bach, along with an entire lineup of inspiring women, totally ripped the runway!!! 

Saturday, after coming down from the euphoria of such a high energy event, I enjoyed day one of the Montréal + Fashion Week sale expo where one particular piece really caught my attention—this gorgeous hot pink leopard print dress from i.b.b.i. Collection!


It was more on the pricey side, but I tried it on and instantly fell in love! I knew I couldn’t leave without it.

The quality of this garment is beyond superior. Luxury plus size clothing lines are few and far between, but i.b.b.i. Collection is getting it right! It’s really exciting to see more high end options available to the plus size consumer, because for a very long time, our choices were extremely limited. There is a whole world of curvy women out there just waiting to drop some dollars on some luxury pieces and I love that there are companies like i.b.b.i. who are taking notice of this! 

 I was honestly really impressed by the whole line, and if my wallet had permitted it, I would have walked out with an armful of fabulous frocks; but I definitely went home with my favourite one of the bunch!As I was trying it on, already wearing a thick gold chain, Rosie Mercado, the face of i.b.b.i., pointed out how great it looked with the dress. Needless to say, when I rocked it out on day two of the sale expo, I wore it with my fave piece of bling, this extravagant, layered chain necklace from Ready To Stare, a designer whose jewelry seems to have been made to pair with leopard print! 

These golden baubles and a simple pair of embellished, black leather flats from Aldo, and my look was complete! 


Even Rosie approved! 


I look forward to seeing which brands come out to play next year at Montréal + Fashion Week, and I am definitely looking forward to all the places I will wear my new dress! 

A huge thank you to my bestie, Crystal, for snapping these awesome graffiti shots! 

Check out more of Pheline designs at Pheline.ca or on Facebook and Instagram

Amadora Jewelry at Amadorajewellery.com

Dress, i.b.b.i. Collection – here 

Chain necklace, Ready To Stare – here 

Shoes, Aldo – here 

VBO & A Burger In MTL 

It’s all happeniiing!!! Montréal + Fashion Week is going down this weekend (May 20th-22nd) and I am incredibly excited!!! 


Lots of you who are coming will be local Montrealers, but I know many of you will be stopping in from out of town, some for the first time, and it is a true pleasure for me, as well as the rest of the MTL + FW team to welcome you not only to this exciting event showcasing plus size fashion, beauty, and style, but to our beautiful city! 

Knowing that so many of you will be visiting got me thinking about all the best stuff my city has to offer! The Montreal Museum of Fine Arts, Saint Joseph’s Oratory, and Montreal’s historic Old Port, including a sandy beach in the middle of the city, just to name a few; but being the fat girl that I am, there is one aspect of this city that, even being born and raised here, still awes me — the food!!! 

I started feeling nostalgic and craving some classic Montreal fare, and one iconic spot that every Montrealer has been to, and if not, will definitely recognize, came immediately to mind! Gibeau Orange Julep, (AKA The Big Orange) of course!!! 


I haven’t been there since I was a kid, riding shotgun with my grandfather up to that gigantic orange dome for a cup of their frothy, milky, pulpy, orangey signature beverage, and I just had to go back! 


I slipped into a simple black maxi from Forever 21+, some cute gold gladiators, fringe earrings and my usual bobbles adorning my hands, and set out for a taste of my childhood…


The sun was shining on me as I sipped a julep, savoured a poutine, and sunk my teeth into a burger that if you’re from Montreal, just tastes like home. 

As I sat there reminiscing, I realized that I’ve come a long way since I was that young girl who loved cheeseburgers, but didn’t love herself… Back then I would have walked up to the counter with a hoodie tied around my waist to hide my visible belly outline, then hidden in the car to scarf down my food where nobody would notice me. 

This time, as I stood on the very ground where when last I stood, I was ashamed to exist, it felt like a celebration! Through plus size fashion, and becoming a part of the inspirational community of plus size bloggers and retailers that are changing the game for fat girls everywhere, stepping out with my VBO in plain sight to enjoy some greasy, glorious food at a picnic table in front of the world, was not only one of life’s little pleasures that I had long missed out on, but a sweet victory over the insecurities of my past.

When I said I was excited about Montréal + Fashion Week, it may have been an understatement, because I can’t even put into words just how proud I am to see an event like this take place in my beloved city, let alone be a part of it! 

I look forward to seeing all the beautiful faces in attendance this weekend, and whether you’re a Montreal girl, like myself, or in town to take it all in, I hope you know just how much your support of this event, and the plus size industry as a whole, means to me! 


If you haven’t gotten your tickets yet, it’s not too late! You can purchase them here. You can also visit the Montréal + Fashion Week website for more info and details on the event at www.montrealplusfashionweek.com


Dress, Forever 21+ – here 

Sandals, Forever 21 – here 

Earrings, Forever 21 –similar 

Rings, Forever 21 – here 

Bracelet, Penningtons – similar

Stained Glass 

I used to shy away from attention. I would keep my head down, avoid eye contact so I wouldn’t get noticed. I walked around like a ghost, somehow making my large, fat body melt into the background. 


I could hide behind any pillar, disappear behind any wall, and though my ample hips would protrude, they were invisible… I, was invisible. 


You have such a pretty face, she said to me… She was my thin, beautiful, popular cousin’s thin, beautiful, popular friend. 


The words stung like hot blades cauterizing the wound as they cut, numbing me with the smell of my own burning flesh… Flesh. Pounds of it boiling over, seething, bubbling and molten under my clothes. 


I went crazy for a while. I watched them be attractive, be desired, be lovable. I wondered what it would feel like to be lovable too. I thought surely, there must be no better feeling than that of being wanted. 

I opened myself to any attention people payed me. I searched for it wherever I could. Just flaunt what you’ve got, they said, so I flaunted my fear of being alone.


They came running, saliva dripping down their necks, drawn by the intoxicating aroma of a woman who believes she is worthless. I let them abuse me, use my fears to control me. I let them break what was left of the girl with the pretty face and send me to my knees in a cloud of dust and broken dreams. 


But I was lucky… As I peered into the rubble that was left after I crumbled, the sun shone and I saw a glint of light, dusty, cracked, but twinkling. 


I pulled away the debris, brushed off the dirt, frantically rummaging for those shimmering bits of myself that I might still be able to salvage, and the flecks of smoked light began to transform. 


Before my eyes, the shards came together to form spectacular patchwork panes, stained by my memories, my shattered hopes, and the beauty in my reflection that I had never been able to see. 

I watched myself become whole again, or arguably, for the first time, bound together with lead, only toxic if I let it in; and the colours, they were glorious, refracting the sunlight, swallowing the darkness, all the while changing any light that passed through, making it fascinating and magnetic. 


Coloured glass, the proof of my existence, brittle yet magnificent. Lead, the reminder of my past, reinforcing my fractured pieces and making me strong. 

When I rose to my feet, I was not the girl with the pretty face. I was the girl with the pretty colours, all shades of light bouncing off one another, emanating from the core of the body I once thought unworthy of shining. 

My design, intricate. My pattern, complicated, but mesmerizing, and my colours, true and indelible. 


Dress (custom) – K Couture Customizable Formal Wear – customize your own here
Trench, Eleven60 by Kierra Sheard- here 


Clutch, Aldo – similar 


Shoes, Shoes Of Prey – design your own here